Angels & Demons

Greetings from a decidedly stinky NoozeHound.

I have just completed a little exercise that I now try to include in my day. Less than a few miles but a tiring, hilly lane that someone thoughtfully placed a hostelry at the mid-point. Today, in admittedly short bursts, I jogged. I shit ye not.

An interesting observation was made to me today. Mine enemies enemy is my friend. I was more than a little surprised.

My life is running strange. I  have moments of such peace, such exclusivity,  it is as if I am taken to a protected oasis of calm where no harm can touch me. Other moments, I have genuine terror and dread of the horrendous dealings that lay ahead of me. My heart falls.

EMNH screamed at me for asking NoozeHoundette if she had met Mummy's new boyfriend yet. Questioning our daughter - guilt?

It later emerged she has already met The Married Man. Don't waste any time EMNH.  

I notice that I am 'peacocking'. The process started immediately before I extracted myself from the house of horrors. I have adorned myself. I must say, I considered a tattoo or dying my hair, but my wooden beads are the limit of my 'radical' image change. It is typical divorce behaviour.

I think it may have something to do with trying to show the world you are someone new. Someone different.

I was told, in total sincerity, that I should fear for my safety around EMNH. I foolishly offered to babysit so she could attend her married man's beck and call to a hotel. It was a hellish mistake. I unfortunately broke a vase by accident and made something of a mess. I cleared it up but the damage was done. She twisted the knife several times. She seems to take pleasure in hurting me.

It was explained back to me that she was demonstrating to me she did not care for me. I have in recent times told EMNH I still love her. Perhaps this was my answer.

 I got very drunk. It didn't hurt any more. Why does she have such hatred for me? She has what she apparently wanted. Why deliver more pain because she can.

I was also warned not to drink anything other than tea, coffee or water in that house again, for the real fear she may take him back to the house just because she can and it would hurt me. I must be capable of getting out hastily if required. This seems wise counsel.

I speak with friends and even feel happy.

Then the texts start from EMNH. Souring my mood and bringing a darkness over my being.

There is such a huge, destructive war to come. I am not ashamed to admit I fear the future.

Nearly fifteen years of accumulated vitriol and hatred seems destined for my path.

This is how you make me feel now... 

 

Welcome to the disappointment. 

Pain comes in so many flavours

NoozeHound bids you welcome from what once was his castle.

EMNH has gone out with her adulteress friends to one of my locals.

I am sans medication - have been all day for NoozeHoundette visit.

I don't want to feel the things I am feeling. I am sitting for EMNH, looking after our daughter - incluidng cooking tea for her. I read several bed time stories.

The mask now slips. I have nothing to occupy me.  Like a diseased animal I pick at the sores. Lifting the scabs of the afffair. The humililation. The Lies. How beautiful she looked tonight. How hurtfully she treated me. With such a dispassionate air.

She has terminated her relaitonship with me and is sleeping with a married man who will not commit to her. She treats me like domestic help and an unnecessary financial evil.

She calls me childish for my daytime flit. How else could I have left? She told one frined she had told me all about it, that our relationship was over and I would move into the spare rooom and share the bills. The only offer of a room I got was when I complained of back-pain and that I could see no point in maintainng a household on which I only get a sofa.

I asked her repeatedly, "Do you Love me?" On the last occasion, she told me, "You know I never use that word."

But she did. Post-coitally she would cling, spent to me and whisper it over and over.

She not only no longer loved me, she no longer considered we had a relationship and had consequently gone and started another with a man with a sports car at work.

And I sit and wait for her return. Punished for turning up late becuase doing her washing took longer than I had planned.

Oh! How I long for my medication.  Unlike Robbie, right now, I don't wanna feel.

Publish and be damned - they should be home soon, allowing for the retributional threat.

Heart-break I know your name, it is written on your birthday card.

Welcome to the disappoinment.