Greetings from a decidedly punch-drunk NoozeHound.
It is a cruel irony of 'married' life that a woman dresses and makes herself up at her most sexily dresssed to spend all day with other people. As soon as she is out of work, it's slip into somehting more comfortable.
The woman looks ravishing for her prospective 'new man' in the office, but then dresses down at home. The male partner never gets to enjoy the woman looking 'office hot' unless they work together - fuck it. Yes, they work together.
She looked 'office-hot' this morning. I commented on her getting a wear from her shoes (a pair she had bought for a party and thought she'd never wear again), she went silent. The inferrence was definitely "I've had good use of these shoes now."
I would imagine the satisfaction of additional useage of footwear was probably not celebrated.
See, this is what I mean. I'm re-enacting that scene when we get to watch the CCTV footgae of the fight towards the end of the film - the one where we watch Norton punch himself in the face.
God! I am so FUCKING STUPID! - Smack!
"No, I don't think it's that ' - referrign back to a conversation about a man spending money on a sports car. I made the small penis connection. THUNK!
How stupid - how would she knew the size of the man's cock who is buying the sports car.
TWACK! SPLATT!!
We had a neutral but infromative communication by email. I told her off after a rather demanding phone call.
She didn't respond to any of the emails. I feel more lost than ever.
Close to tears. Again.
I showed a friend her picture - she said "Ahh, she's beautiful. I can't hate her now."
"I can't live, with or without you."
I just went to the loo. I try to keep myself occupied.
I was suddenly thrust back several weeks, to a clothes store, where 'Then Mrs NoozeHound' asked me to go shopping with her - I was trying to make us work, so was unusually happy to comply.
I was just washing my hands after the toilet when that image smashed into my face.
"I need a new overnight bag, come and help me get one."
- She was buying it so she could turn up at his hotel carrying a fancy bag.
What a fool I was. Isn't that just perverse and spiteful? She could have made me pay for it I suppose. That's the only way it could be worse though.
Welcome to the disappointment.
16 July 2010
13 July 2010
Sanity, Long Walks, A Bad Case of the Blues
Summer is quickly turn to the chill of Autumn inthe land of NoozeHound.
The weather hasn't helped. It feels like we will never see the sun again.
This morning she was rushed, slightly off-hand. She looked beautiful, if showing a tiny bit too much boob. (She wears the dress for church, we're not talking slut here.)
She pours scorn on my flattering comments. I tell her legs look lovely.
"...From all the working out I've been doing. Oh Yeah." she sneers.
She kept me aroud to pay the bills and cheated on me with a married man.
That is to what I must reconcile myself. She made no attempt to save our relationship or warn me of what may happen. She told me we are not together, but never answered me about putting us together - I can only believe this was to keep me paying the billls.
She just wanted a semi-blameless, somehow honourable affair with a marrried man from work.
When I knew for certain that she no longer loved me and had gone to the arms of another I could not stay in that house. Who in truth, with any compassion could blame me?
I have not emailed her today. I miss contact from her. By not contacting her do I open the doors for contact with her lover - though I know my emails would have been sitting beside his (and his wife's by some accounts) in her mail box. She may even forward mine to him, laughing at me.
I have written an email I have yet to send. It makes the position clear.
I am not sure if my timing needs closer scrutiny.
My heart hurts. I want to go and hide somewhere. I feel close to tears if I were that way inclined.
Fake it 'til you feel it.
Welcome to the disappointment.
The weather hasn't helped. It feels like we will never see the sun again.
This morning she was rushed, slightly off-hand. She looked beautiful, if showing a tiny bit too much boob. (She wears the dress for church, we're not talking slut here.)
She pours scorn on my flattering comments. I tell her legs look lovely.
"...From all the working out I've been doing. Oh Yeah." she sneers.
She kept me aroud to pay the bills and cheated on me with a married man.
That is to what I must reconcile myself. She made no attempt to save our relationship or warn me of what may happen. She told me we are not together, but never answered me about putting us together - I can only believe this was to keep me paying the billls.
She just wanted a semi-blameless, somehow honourable affair with a marrried man from work.
When I knew for certain that she no longer loved me and had gone to the arms of another I could not stay in that house. Who in truth, with any compassion could blame me?
I have not emailed her today. I miss contact from her. By not contacting her do I open the doors for contact with her lover - though I know my emails would have been sitting beside his (and his wife's by some accounts) in her mail box. She may even forward mine to him, laughing at me.
I have written an email I have yet to send. It makes the position clear.
I am not sure if my timing needs closer scrutiny.
My heart hurts. I want to go and hide somewhere. I feel close to tears if I were that way inclined.
Fake it 'til you feel it.
Welcome to the disappointment.
12 July 2010
Strange Sunday, Morose Monday
Poor lamentable NoozeHound here.
Sunday EMNH proposed an impromptu Birthday drink. Teenage EMNH came to give her Mother her present and EMNH and NoozeHoundette came up after the gutter cleanign had been sorted.
EMNH was a tad drunk and aftera walk around the cricket green to blag the NoozeHoundette onto the cricket clubs bouncy castle, we walked back to the pub and I drove her home.
It was nice.
"I still love you, you know?"
"NoozeHound, ...don't."
I went home to drown my sorrows (violently and rapidly) and watch the football.
* * *
Today I was at the house to look after NoozeHoundette - EMNH has to go to work.
While I was in the house I looked at EMNH's cards.
Today I sought an excuse to email her, so I updated her on NoozeHounzdette's attire and what she had taken to school.
Not only was there one from the married lover, she had even put it next to and in front of mine.
The cheek of it.
A snoop gets what he deserves I suppose.
I wanted to rip it to pieces.
I then had to email her again about a business trip.
"Either really, doesn't matter, I have to take her to and from Brownies on my own anyway, so don't get a break in between doing dinner Thurdays anyway and oin Tuesdays we are foten completing homework, but I am starting at 9am and finishing at 5.30pm, so I have time to sit in traffic to collect her from school by 6pm anyway, don't know if I'll be able to get to work by 9am tho.
(Just remembered, you drop her at 8.30am, so any day will be cool)"
followed by
"You obviously won't need to come round that week as I can manage childcare!
(Like when I'm on lates, all you'll have to do then is collect her and hold onto her until 7.10pm)"
The depressing finality of our separation, so clear in her words - she's trying to be nice, helpful, - I feel so desperately sad.
Welcome to the disappointment.
Sunday EMNH proposed an impromptu Birthday drink. Teenage EMNH came to give her Mother her present and EMNH and NoozeHoundette came up after the gutter cleanign had been sorted.
EMNH was a tad drunk and aftera walk around the cricket green to blag the NoozeHoundette onto the cricket clubs bouncy castle, we walked back to the pub and I drove her home.
It was nice.
"I still love you, you know?"
"NoozeHound, ...don't."
I went home to drown my sorrows (violently and rapidly) and watch the football.
* * *
Today I was at the house to look after NoozeHoundette - EMNH has to go to work.
While I was in the house I looked at EMNH's cards.
Today I sought an excuse to email her, so I updated her on NoozeHounzdette's attire and what she had taken to school.
Not only was there one from the married lover, she had even put it next to and in front of mine.
The cheek of it.
A snoop gets what he deserves I suppose.
I wanted to rip it to pieces.
I then had to email her again about a business trip.
"Either really, doesn't matter, I have to take her to and from Brownies on my own anyway, so don't get a break in between doing dinner Thurdays anyway and oin Tuesdays we are foten completing homework, but I am starting at 9am and finishing at 5.30pm, so I have time to sit in traffic to collect her from school by 6pm anyway, don't know if I'll be able to get to work by 9am tho.
(Just remembered, you drop her at 8.30am, so any day will be cool)"
followed by
"You obviously won't need to come round that week as I can manage childcare!
(Like when I'm on lates, all you'll have to do then is collect her and hold onto her until 7.10pm)"
The depressing finality of our separation, so clear in her words - she's trying to be nice, helpful, - I feel so desperately sad.
Welcome to the disappointment.
11 July 2010
NoozeHound here.
I have been summoned to the house to be in on EMNH birthday. I am totally wrong for agreeing to a friend performing a favour on hr birthday weekend.
"I'm not staying in. You are. It's not ideal but it will have to do."
There then occurs a frank, mostly one-sided, exchange of views with regard the things I have done wrong.
"What about what you've done to me?"
"Me? I've done nothing."
She shuts the door firmly behind her.
Really, EMNH, Nothing?
* * *
It dawned on me last night, away from my more fanciful phases, that all that lay ahead with regard my relationship with EMNH:
Arguments about money.
Arguments about anything that needs doing with the house.
Arguments about childcare.
Arguments about the quality of the child care - today's topic.
She patently does not love me.
She continues to deny her other lover.
It is impossible to speculate, but I think it rational that the next ten years will be steeped in toxic bitterness dealt to me almost daily by the women I love.
I try not to feel it.
People say, "...you need to make a clean break of it."
There's no clean breaks with kids.
I feeel Despair's heavy breath down my back, engulfing my body.
Welcome to the disappointment.
I have been summoned to the house to be in on EMNH birthday. I am totally wrong for agreeing to a friend performing a favour on hr birthday weekend.
"I'm not staying in. You are. It's not ideal but it will have to do."
There then occurs a frank, mostly one-sided, exchange of views with regard the things I have done wrong.
"What about what you've done to me?"
"Me? I've done nothing."
She shuts the door firmly behind her.
Really, EMNH, Nothing?
* * *
It dawned on me last night, away from my more fanciful phases, that all that lay ahead with regard my relationship with EMNH:
Arguments about money.
Arguments about anything that needs doing with the house.
Arguments about childcare.
Arguments about the quality of the child care - today's topic.
She patently does not love me.
She continues to deny her other lover.
It is impossible to speculate, but I think it rational that the next ten years will be steeped in toxic bitterness dealt to me almost daily by the women I love.
I try not to feel it.
People say, "...you need to make a clean break of it."
There's no clean breaks with kids.
I feeel Despair's heavy breath down my back, engulfing my body.
Welcome to the disappointment.