Amazing Accommodation Available

Room in shared 3-bed house, very popular location, close to M1/M25, good local schools.

Please note - this is a house-share. No emotional support is available and there is no possibility of a relationship of a romantic nature.

No actual bed available - but (quite) large sofa (cushions can be placed on floor if required)

You will be liable for all Gas, Electricity, Telephone, Broadband and Buildings & Contents Insurance.

You will not pay (directly) Council Tax and TV License.

All cooking shared dependant on shift-work

Three weeks out of four you will be expected to take another member of the house-hold to school

Two weeks out of four you will be expected to collect her from after-school club - You will be expected to pay for this exclusively and will not receive offers of assistance due to a perceived immense wealth gap.

Free use of vehicle - you to tax, fuel and maintain.

All washing-up will be done by you - unless the self-appointed primary tenant feels particularly inclined or aggrieved.

In the event that the self-appointed primary tenant does 'wash-up as the self-appointed primary tenant goes' when cooking - you will still be expected to do all of the after-dinner washing-up and any heavy frying pans or other items the self-appointed primary tenant just doesn't fancy doing.

Occasionally the self-appointed primary tenant will prepare packed lunch for the child - you will be expected to prepare the rest approximately 15/20 pro-rata.

If you rise before or around the self-appointed primary tenant and make tea, the self-appointed primary tenant will expect one and will expect it brought to her bedside.

As the self-appointed primary tenant will avoid leaving her room unless essential the self-appointed primary tenant will feel disposed to request you provide drinks or sundries from the kitchen - it is presupposed you will provide and deliver these

You will be expected to mow the lawn as required - the self-appointed primary tenant does not use the lawn mower.

You will be expected to vacuum as required - the self-appointed primary tenant does not use the vacuum cleaner.

Alcohol : If you bring alcohol into the house expect to be criticized for it's purchase. It is presumed this alcohol will be shared with the self-appointed primary tenant and expected that it is served to her in her room - the self-appointed primary tenant will not collect. If unavoidable the self-appointed primary tenant will send a child to collect it from me.

I do not like beer - if this is purchased the self-appointed primary tenant will expect a suitable alternative to be provided - this will still incur the aforementioned criticism.

If the self-appointed primary tenant purchases alcohol it is for her sole consumption.

Religious observance:the self-appointed primary tenant will attend church periodically. On these occasions it is expected you will attend to cleaning the house in her absence. Cleanliness is next to godliness they say.

Laundry - the self-appointed primary tenant will leave her dirty laundry on the landing or on the floor of her room. The self-appointed primary tenant does not think it unfair to expect you to pick it up after her and deposit it in the washing bin. The self-appointed primary tenant will encourage other house-hold members to do likewise.

Since we have no working washing machine the laundry will be be exclusively your responsibility -the self-appointed primary tenant will not go to the launderette. The self-appointed primary tenant will never take a load to your Mothers'.

Finally with regard ironing,the self-appointed primary tenant doesn't have much ironing so the self-appointed primary tenant will expect you to do your ironing and the junior member of the household's ironing too (weekly).

Despite an agreement that you pay the bills and the self-appointed primary tenant will do the food shopping, the self-appointed primary tenant will call on you to do food shopping on an ad hoc basis. Repayment for this shopping may or may not be inferred but ultimately will never be repaid. The self-appointed primary tenant may pray upon you to make emergency errands for her, for things like prescriptions. The self-appointed primary tenant will not refund you for these items either - the self-appointed primary tenant will usually thank you though.

Not especially appealing is it?

Welcome to the disappointment.