Today I Learned

Greetings from the land of the NoozeHound. A land geographically located across most of the circles of dante's inferno.

Today I learned that Reddit is not the place to discuss a prospective suicide.

While I did read some insightful advice, the number of 'buck-up' or 'go for a walk'. 'it ain't so bad' outnumbered it vastly.

The questioner, had a far simpler life than my own and one that faces far fewer demands.


I am immensely fortunate that I have a place to sleep. However it is so far from ideal it is unbearable. The prospect of living in a hovel of my own looms menacingly. I was remeinded a few weeks ago of a bathroom with no window. It reminded me of living in my flat. It filled me with dread.


I wonder if one part of the reasoning applies to my own situatiion. My limitations and requirements are not easily accessible, less so than his own.  Is this a decision to stop me being able to reach it?


Alcohol helps me to feel nothing, desensitizing me. I am trying, in my dealings and waking hours to be as nice to everyone as I can - including the object of my suffering.  Great waves of sadness and almost debilitating depression wash over me when my mind stops it's focus for an instant.


In retrospect I suspect the desensitizing power of alcohol had been my solice for some months.


A Six Sentence that I posted received as simple comment - "She doesn't love you. Move on."


Whilst apparently true, the soul-destroying pain I have experienced in recognizing that truth and performing the prescribed action has been gargantuan and debilitizing.


I must find my happy face soon.

I am seeing the NoozeHoundette later, we are going shopping for EMH birthday present. Maybe to a park or a bike ride. Something to eat at a restaurant and then I am sitting her for the evening so Sing Star or Wii and a bedtime story.


Absentee Father Days. Divorced Nights. Desporate Desolation.


Welcome to the disappointment.